There have been many times in the past year that Iāve asked myself: why do I care about my grades?
Because I do. I have a strong urge to get good grades, and I stress about grades. I stress about not being able to finish assignments or doing sufficiently well or not being able to prepare well enough for tests.
But why?
Because I find myself in a privileged position: I donāt really need the good grades. Iāve been lucky enough to probably be able to find an interesting job to work on after college, regardless of my grades. Where the grades would usually be a deciding factor, I have my past projects to show.
In fact I realized last summer that, if my grades were mediocre but my projects still interesting, Iād probably not have too much of a problem finding a job. But if my grades were phenomenal and my projects fell to the wayside, that would probably hurt me (both in the sense that it would be sad for me, and in that it would hurt me in the capitalistic-get-a-job-and-make-money sense).
I realize that this is a super privileged position to find myself in. I think itās better to acknowledge things like this than to pretend theyāre untrue. This doesnāt apply to everyone, but this blog is about me, so here we are.
But still, I find myself caring about my grades more than much else. I find that my grades bring me a disproportionate amount of stress.
Why?
To be honest, Iām not quite sure.
I think that Iāve spent a decade learning that grades are a reflection of how good I am as a person. Thereās a gazillion people who have and will tell you that this isnāt true, but that doesnāt really help you not to feel it.
Yes, thereās āother ways to succeedā and āgrades arenāt everything.ā
But on the other hand, itās super useful to teach children that grades matter a lot, so that theyāll care. So that theyāll play along with the game and hopefully become people who know things about things.
Grades are the gamification of learning. And itās useful for students to think the game matters.
So now, even being able to see that itās a game and knowing that grades arenāt everything, I find it difficult to detach my sense of self from my grades. Even though logically, I shouldnāt care so much. It feels like itās been trained into me.
Perhaps this is one of those things that you can only let go of with time. Iāll wake up after graduating in three years and truly feel, not just know, that my grades didnāt matter. Perhaps itāll take a little bit of separation to truly feel that.